More of me 

I feel the newness in the air 

Like a flower that died and somehow came back to life but even more lovely

But at the same time I feel I lack me 

I lack more of myself 

I am spreading love and light but at the same time I feel like an airplane. In this airplane there is only one passenger(me) but the plane is flying on its own. 
I feel the newness in my life I feel my body automatically sending love to whoever needs it but at the same time I feel like a quiet observer watching myself do these things. 
Why am I sat in the corner watching me? 

Maybe I need more of me. 

More nurturing. More grounding. More emotional permanence within myself. 

Yes. Yes that is it. 

Because I am poster girl for addictive personality. 

This post doesn’t make sense. 

Just know, I am so wildly complex that even as I am realising and shedding old ways of thinking that brought me down, literally at the peak of my self care and self love/ happiness/peace of mind… I am simultaneously screaming for my own self. 

Gotta go. 

I’m calling. 

Oh, you little shit. 

Life has funny ways of showing itself. Even in ways that are in your favour. 

I washed my face in preparation for bed. 

As I normally would. 

I curl up and open my media apps and see an old message from someone I’m very sure my pre-pubescent self buried deep down to protect whatever was left of its innocence. 

After staring at my screen for what felt like years, I start to wail. Wrapping my palms around my own neck as if it helps force the pain out of my chest. I claw at my skin with the hopes that the pain will surpass the one in my chest because physical harm.. well, I’d rather that.  I wept for my innocence, the loss of my childhood, and more importantly, the fact that it has taken me almost two decades to give myself the answers that I so badly sought. 

And from the message I gathered that his demons have started haunting him. I dry my tears and stare into the abyss thinking about how he will never find peace. He will look at his young daughter with fear in his heart, wondering if his own actions will haunt him. 

The best part is, I’d been so busy with my personal journey and self care that I didn’t see this message that was sent three months ago. 

I am strength itself. 

I am woman. 

A ghost in wolverhampton. 

On days where I’m merely 15%, he’s here with the 100. Not 85, no.. never that. Because by God I today I’ve barely scraped that 15.

I worry sometimes that I’ll drag him in too. There’s too much darkness here. But I always get that 100 even when I feel I’m being unfair/resentful because I’m depressed. Looking up from tear stained eyes to see the same eager ones. Eager to help and most importantly to ease. Never condescending. 

I’ve spent a fair amount of time giving love where it wasn’t wanted. No complaints tho. Because I mean look at me loving the fuck out of this guy. Haha. 

It isn’t supposed to hurt. It isn’t supposed to deplete your.. being in any way. This is my best friend…(that i sometimes -more like all the fucking time-grope.) 

Again, I am enough. Especially on days when I do not feel it. I’m a ray of sunshine. When I am sad, it is merely like an eclipse, only for a moment for I will always, always, return. Even when I seem to have been swept by the void for longer times, I will ALWAYS return. Being borderline will never be a factor that lessens me. As I write this is I’m still teaching myself that it does not diminish my worth in any way. 

I’ve realised I’m to address the title at some point.

But really where’s the fun in that ? Ey ? 

Insomnia. 

The Suns Ray’s peek through the curtains, resting on his face forming a golden brown colour on his rich dark skin. I automatically purr. Sitting up, I attempt putting on my robe but decide against it because I want to feel the sun on my nipples. Picking up a bottle, I head to the balcony and by God I’ve never seen a prettier sight. Winters over and for now we can stop running… Only for a while though because the summer is never so long and there’s always danger in getting comfortable. 
I feel my face fall at the awareness that this isn’t really my heaven. Heck, I’d probably just- no, I had just had my brains fucked out by a man that I’ve always had to survive to see. You see, the way my captain works, espionage for me is “you’ll see me, If you see me” 

Captain knew I didn’t give a fuck about his coins. I hate that. I hate he’s aware there’s only one thing I’d want in this life. Curse you, heart. 

Tilting my head back I allow my entire torso absorb the sun, my nipples harden at the wind blowing against them. I run my fingers slowly down myself, feeling my pussy is a little puffy from last night. A slow, content smile spreads across my face. 

Time to play with my babies. 

Yes, babies… Guns are a girls best accessory eh? No I won’t bore you with a sob story of how my parents died. I’m glad I have no knowledge. Captain says I was taken away is all. Sometimes my mind trails and tries to.. Imagine ? Though I snap out of it fast. Remember your training, ronke. 
His eyes open slightly and a sexy grin plastered his face, I look away quickly. Not because he can’t see me looking at him, but because i am not allowed to fall further in love with this man. My training doesn’t allow for such. Though if I must say I’m pretty fucked up here. 
“RISE AND FUCKING SHINE !!!” An annoyingly familiar voice blasts through the speakers and I roll my eyes because it only means one thing. This little moment of … Intimacy ? -Though I feel I abuse that term because there’s no love in war. Captain says it’s simply fucking although afolabi and I disagree. – is over. It’s time to go because guess what? More people to kill. In a swift moment my pants are on and my favourite black boots are in between my fingers, I motion to the door with my head.

Captain has a lot of enemies… 

are you strong enough?

you call it snooty

i call it sparing you

you call it arrogant

i call it making sure you don’t drown too

its necessary

reclusion is part of it

they don’t really care, they claw at my chest from the strings of my heart

little pricks with their knife-sharp tongues at my wrists…like they’re making love to them, only it hurts.

ripping me apart but somehow… in a gentle way

like little doses of pain

like they’re trying to create some kind of…euphoria

sometimes i feel intoxicated.. like i could somehow follow them

could i?

you see it and assure comfort

you want to make it go away

i wish i could show you but I’m not trying to scare you

its not for the faint hearted. please do not take my words  lightly.

i am sparring you.

its necessary that i take this journey alone.

 

The coochie or his life 

I can hear the chaos My wrists aren’t bound anymore .. Do they want me to leave ? 

Nah. 

It’s a test. 

I smell… Whiskey ? Is this bastard drinking?!!! 

“YOU GOT THE GIRL!!!! Wait … Is that really her ?”

Crap. He’s here. 

I feel his hands on my upper thigh and I swear I felt my blood boil… 

“Touch.me.again” I patiently chanted 

All it would take is kicking back my heel to release the blade into his fat neck. Pig.

So what ? I was bored .. And his girlfriend sure as hell isnt the least bit amused by his excuse for manhood.

“I can still taste her y’know”

I laugh. I know it’s annoying but hey. I’m being held hostage by a silly excuse for a bodyguard and poster boy for “PORK IS YOUR FRIEND” 

If I kill him the chances she’s still gonna want to fuck me are thin.. Yes I’m comparing his life to pussy … You’d do the same if you’d been down there 

Her sweet.. Warm.. Mmmmm –

I feel a sharp pain and the room starts to fade … “Fuck” 

Alright, it’s time to leave, I kick my heel skillfully and it sends the blade flying, grazing both their necks .. I guess “graze” is too light a term.

I have fast long legs, (amongst other amazing things) and some part of me wants to watch them squirm but I’ve got shit to do.. 

people aren’t medicine

“people aren’t medicine.”

 

***this is one thing i keep repeating to myself but then like almost every human, i don’t listen.***

having people you can rely on in hard times is a blessing. however, its a blessing that could end up being a mess thats added onto your already existing emotional load.

look at it this way;

Everytime you’re sad or if you’re plagued with a mental illness and you call your friends, sometimes they help. they make life a little more bearable right then. although, for you to understand most things, you have to empathise and empathising involves putting yourself in another persons shoes.

say your friend needs emotional support and you’re starting to feel responsible and its perfectly okay until you run into some shit and start to feel too weak for your friend cuz although they’re in need you kinda need someone to cry to. now this is mostly where the problem starts. you start giving less supportive replies cuz you’re in your own emotional mess and because of that, you feel you cannot tell your friend as they’re in their own shit too. now you’re basically at the point where its like they hit you up and your eyes roll back cuz “okay not right now please i need to get my shit together” . < see this, small insight into what the other person is feeling is my way of saying sometimes ask if they’re okay too>

now back to you, you start to think your friends/support group want nothing to do with you as your problems just never seem to go away (yeah btw thats how mental illnesses work theres no “cure” or sudden whatever) so you go back to your hole because you thought you could fill the void with people but you can’t. don’t let this lead you to resenting them because my love, try and remember that these people care. slowly, you need to pick yourself up, it’ll hurt but you need to remember that the only person that really understands whats happening in that mind of yours is you. people will try to understand but they won’t fully get it and its okay. you need to teach yourself that peoples negative comments or innocently ignorant remarks aren’t enough to add to your load.

 

trust me when i say if you keep jumping from place to place to “distract” yourself from you, it’ll work but for a while. the only way to fill that void is to (pardon me I’m about to get real crony) look within yourself. identify the problem and slowly (i emphasise slowly cuz progress will always take time) find ways to help yourself. read. talk to professionals.. I’m not saying disregard your friends/support group but you gotta remember, people aren’t medicine.